Thought of the day May 26

Today is Monday, May 26th. Guess what? I’m living in my apartment; and I haven’t got drunk! (I actually don’t know if that’s good at all). I can feel free of wearing boxers in my room and don’t expect someone knocking on the door. Well, to be honest, this is not that awesome. I mean, I’m not at home. I have some more liberty but, what I’m really worried about is money, it won’t probably be enough… that freaks me out.

I don’t’ know what to write… hey, I have to tell something. I already told Geremy that I need to talk with him. This is because I decided that I can’t continue with that show. I don’t feel in love with him, I just wanted some sex (I didn’t even like it). I just think of him when I have nothing else to think about, when I’m alone or when it’s been a while since the last time that I played with my dick. Once my dick has played, all those ‘feelings’ are gone away; then, I’m gonna tell him what I feel (or what I don’t?) and ask him if he is really in love with me or he just wants some hard sex. If he just wants sex, it would turn thing a little easier; if he really loves me, I could have some troubles saying him that we should stop dating.

Last week we decided to meet on Sunday, but he wasn’t sure if he could do it, that morning he sent me a message saying that he couldn’t meet me. We haven’t talked since that. Today I sent him a message, but I didn’t got an answer. I don’t know if he is mad at me because of the talking thing. Anyway, I need to talk with him about that; because it’s not fair that every time he tries to date me I say no; I owe him an explanation…

I guess I just spent the whole month thinking what should I do with the gay stuff; but I still have no answer… My mind is a mess. Sometimes I feel like I wanna scream out that I like boys and girls as well; but it scares me so mucho, especially now that I’m living with other two men. And, on the other hand, my religious beliefs reject homosexual feelings, not to say relationships. For tonight, I’ll try to sleep…

Thought of the day April 8

Today is Tuesday, April 08th. I haven’t written in a month, I guess it’s because this has been a really tired one. Anyway, I finally bought my cell phone. Last Thursday was Danielle’s birthday, she celebrated with her friends on Saturday at Via Lindora, I was so excited about this party, but I had no place where to stay or a car to come back home, so I didn’t attend. Instead, I hung out with my chicks. We ate at Tarire, and after that, we went to Chicho’s.

Once there, I drank a Rock Ice lemon and ate fries. I also had my tequilas, well, at least one. I was about to drink more, because I felt so bad about not going with Danielle; but my friends didn’t let me do it. Probably they were right, because I had to come back by bus. When I turned my head around and felt everything was moving, I guessed I was not ok; on that moment I realized my parents are right about me, I’ll explain what I mean.

Because of my class schedule, I ought to stay at San Jose. My parents have been telling me that I should take care of myself, because if I’ll live alone I can do things that I’m not used to. They were talking about porno, but they don’t know that’s something I already do. I’m really concerned about alcohol. Near the campus, there is “El Pueblo”, which is a kind of mall, with stores and discos. I’m worried that I could start going to this places and drink.

The most of you should think that is not a huge problem, that everybody does it. But, I’m not like everybody. I don’t know when to stop. All my life, I’ve done what everyone else wants me to do, or what they ‘expect’ me to. So, I don’t know how to control my life, all this liberty could bring me down. I don’t wanna lose my scholarship. I think I start to like my career. But now I see the probability of destroying everything I’ve reached, even though is not want I really want, but it’s what I have…

This was a very conflictive month for me. My mind is a total mess. This last week I tried to center just on school, but soon or later I’ll have to face all my problems. I just hope I’m strong enough to resist all this stuff.