Hola!
Cuando inicé a escribir mis pensamientos en inglés; pensé (perdón x la redundancia) que iba a traducir todo; pero x cuestiones de tiempo no creo ke pueda... Así ke este es el resumen ejecutivo de mis entradas hasta ahora.
Todo inició xke me sentía algo mal; necesitaba sacar mis pensamientos. Hace algún tiempo acepté mi homosexualidad, sin embargo, no quiero que la gente se entere aún, no hasta que yo resuelva mis propios conflictos. Conocí a este chico por msn, a quien he nombrado Geremy. Él fue mi primer hoombre, con quien tuve mi primera vez.
Pasó un día de universidad. Como yo iba más seguido a San José acordamos vernos. Yo le dije a mis padres que tenía que hacer un trabajo. Nos vimos, almorzamo, (él pagó :D) luego me llevó en el carro hasta un sitio en Escazú donde pasa muy poca gente... Mientrás él conducía nos tocamos y jugamos el uno con el otro. Yo, muy inocentemente le sugerí ke fuéramos a un lugar donde él no manejara y estuviéramos más tranquilos... Y luego, OMG...
Llegamos a un motel; entramos... Y en resumidas cuentas, él no andaba condón ni lubricante. Lo hicimos así, a lo bestia! Me dolió muchísimo; pero disfruté mientras lo penetraba a él... Luego, cuando regresaba a mi casa; tuve un ataque de conciencia (creo ke ya son crónicos). Él me dijo ke ya se había hecho exámenes antes de estar conmigo y ke todo salio limpio; x dicha lo estaba...
Pasó el tiempo; hablábamos cada vez menos... Una vez; me dijo ke había conocido a alguien; y ke lo amaba a él. Luego me dejó de hablar x una semana. Lo extraño fue ke me sentía horriblemente mal, aunke yo había pensado en terminar con él. Al final de la semana, se dignó a hablarme, me dijo ke kería que termináramos bien y etc... Yo dije ok. Al día siguiente, me contó que hace una semana (un día después de confesarme su amorío) había terminado con el mae (JA JA JA JA)
Luego, x mi horario en la U tuve ke irme a vivir a San José. Quedamos de vernos. (Xke yo de idiota lo perdoné) Nos vimos, fuimos a comer, y terminamos en un motel. Esa vez me molestó que insistiera tanto en acostarnos, a duras penas logré que me llevara a comer (él pagó :D). Y esa fue la última vez que lo vi... De nuevo, hablamo menos y menos...
Luego yo conocí a un chico, y quise intentar algo con él. Lo llamaré mmm... Sebastián! Él es muy lindo. Tons le conté a Geremy sobre él; y Geremy se enojó y cortó toda comunicación conmigo, hasta un día de enero... Me dijo ke quería sex conmigo, y yo le dije ke sí... Nos vimos un día en mi aparta; pero lo dejé con ganas! (JA JA JA JA)... Lo hice xke solo me bisca para sexo, eso me halaga pero me hace sentir utilizado. Ah, y el día del aparta no me compró nada de comer...
En resumen
Thought of the day July 1 Part I
Today is Tuesday, July 1st, 2008. I’m sitting next to the window; I’m at the campus’s library. I have my class at four o’clock, then, I got my laptop with me. It’s been a while since the last time I wrote, I’ve been busy. Many things happened during this period. I’ll tell few of them…
I had said I was hanging out with Geremy; well, that didn’t occurred. In the very last moment he said he was very tired and needed to rest. It really annoyed me because I even wore a shirt for him! I just said no problem, but I was really upset. I spent the whole day thinking about our date and it ended up like this. Facing the bright side, I didn’t spend my money.
Anyway, I was decided to hang out. On the messenger, I talked with Angie, she was about to finish her semester and the stress level had reached the top. We agreed to go around on Saturday. We went to this bar in Poas. There we sat with some friends of her. I wanted a Margarita but I could only get Smirnoff. On Saturday’s afternoon Nela called me. She asked me to hang out, but I had made plans with Angie the day before.
The next week was nothing but ordinary, except for Thursday. Geremy and I meet on afternoon. We went to this place where we drank something. I have to say that I realized I’m not the kind of guy who likes to be drunk, I don’t go farer than two Smirnoff. He was pushing me to decide what to do. I really hate when he asks me that; I know all he wanted to hear was ‘let’s fuck!’ but I kept him waiting a few minutes until I finished my drink.
When I finally said the magic words we went our way to the motel. The first one was full; then he drove to another. This one was really nice. The Jacuzzi was bigger and more comfortable than the last one. Before we started the real action, I asked him if he brought rubbers, luckily he did and also had with him some lubricant. At the beginning I wasn’t sure about being fucked again; but the lubricant is magic. I really enjoyed his dick inside of me. I rode him and the pleasure was indescribable.
He fucked me in many positions and I just felt awesome. I don’t wanna make of this a porno story, but I need to say how exciting it was being fucked this time; I’d do it over and over again…
Thought of the day June 12
On Friday he finally got my message, I asked him why did he leave me just like that. He answered that he hasn’t received any of my messages or e-mails; that he was never to make me feel that way; that he wants us to be friends and that bullshit. Then, I forgot him. What could I do? I just wanted him back to me. He said he remembers the promise he made to me about taking me to get drunk (what a weird promise right!) but he also quote that his boyfriend must come with us; I said there was no problem. Finally, we agreed about hanging out some day.
But the really weird thing comes now. On Saturday, he sent me a message saying that he was single since one week ago, he has broke up with his boyfriend and he didn’t tell me yesterday (Friday) because he didn’t know how would I react after all what he said one week ago; I wasn’t sure if he was just joking me or he was serious. Once I knew he wasn’t lying, I wrote him ‘oh, I’m so sorry things were not what you expected’ but I was anything but sorry, I just had to keep the appearance. Of course even though I was desperate for being back with him I was still doing like we were just friends.
In the present; yesterday Geremy sent me a message and we talked for a while. He said that he wants to see me again; I said it would be nice, and then we decided to meet today at night. But this morning I received another message, he said that he could not meet today because he has some work not yet finished. I did not answer him. When I was naked on my bed, watching some porno and playing with my dick, I got a new message; this time he said he wants to kiss me passionately, I told him what I was doing and he said it’s so bad that he has no money because we could have gone to a motel (what happened with his work?).
For a moment I thought I could pay for the room; but then, I had that weird feeling… I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be fucked again. For sure I want to suck a dick and fuck him, but being fucked? No thanks. Then I had this ‘brilliant’ idea: I said we could go to a watch a movie ad I’ll pay for that. Of course he said yes, he’s shy because I’m gonna pay but I said now is my turn to do it. At this moment I realize that probably this is gonna be a very expensive date for me… however, I hope we could have some fun!!!
Thought of the day Feb 29
I finally meet Geremy. We had pizza for lunch, then, we went to Multiplaza del Este to watch a movie but all of them were after 2:00 and it was just 1:00. That’s why we decided to go somewhere else. He took me to a place near Escazú; once there, we kissed and touched each other. Of course I did my thing; but he was driving because if we parked someone could get there. Finally, we went into a motel…
Once there, we started playing on the bed. We took our clothes off very slowly. We kissed such lunatics! He went down kissing every inch of my body, I did the same on him. But things turned hotter…
He asked me if I was ready for being fucked, I told him: “Yes, I guess I am…” on that moment I was totally frightened, I had no idea about what was coming. He did it very gently, what the pain was too much for me. I asked him to take it out. Instead, I tried to fuck him. I have to say that I actually enjoyed fucking him, but then he tried again. It isn’t as funny as in porno! It’s actually very painful, I felt nothing but pain: no excitement, no fun. Well, I couldn’t have made him paid for the lunch and the motel without giving him some of me. Now, I realize I’d better had paid for the pizza…
But, I haven’t told the worst part of all of this (Maybe the only one). I know I should have never done it, but what can I do now? Here I go: We didn’t use rubbers. That’s it, as written. Last night I didn’t have dinner because I offered it to God (How can I get God into this?) hoping He gets me out of risk, I’m so scared of any disease. My head is a mess! I can’t think of any other idea. I know VIH is detected after six months of contracted. I don’t know what to do; I can’t even talk to anybody because I neither can tell I’m gay.
I’m just praying. It’s the only thing I can do, and also the most powerful. Oh my God. Please, help me! I know I’ve been such bad sons, but, please, help me! I will also offer my favorite TV program: Charmed. Please my Lord, help me! Take me out of all this!
My first 'Thought of the day' Feb 19
I’m feeling good. I actually don’t know how I really feel, all I know it’s that I’m so confused. On last Thursday, it was Valentine’s by the way; all I wanted was to meet Geremy. For luck, he didn’t receive the message I sent to him. If he had received the mail, I don't know what would had happenned. I just want to feel his skin, to be free for touching and kissing without any fear of people coming.
Sometimes I get the sensation life is senseless, I mean, I have an excellent scholarship, I study a great career but I’m completely a loser. I have no girlfriend not even boyfriend because I’m afraid of getting out of the closet. This is the sixth week at University and I don’t have any friends.
I think I’m just a normal guy who wants to experiment new sensations. Maybe next Thursday I’ll call Geremy again and meet him so that we can have some fun. On Friday, I’ll go out with my girls and drink those tequilas. By the weekend, I will join my parents and take the sun at Melissa’s.
