Thought of the day September 8 Part II

These were our plans: first, we were going to the movies; and then, alcohol!!! We arrived to the mall, but there was no good movie to watch and we went into stores and bought some nice clothes. After that, we were to a bar to eat. Once there, we decided to go somewhere nicer, so, I proposed ‘Oh’, which is a gay club. I had hear about it because Geremy once invited me, but I wasn’t sure, I had to meet the place first and with my friends it was a perfect opportunity because it would be just dancing; but what a surprise came later…

My friend Matt was kinda worried about going to Oh, but I just thought it was because of Jacob (he is so innocent) and Helen (I can bet that she’s never been to a place like that). Once in, we found two friends of Matt. Matt was not so happy and I asked him why; he told me that one of those friends is his ex-couple and that he’s dating with the other guy, who actually is Matt’s best friend in the gay scene. Of course you can imagine the conflict in my mind. I was so confused because I didn’t expect that form Matt, but I was also happy because I had finally met a real friend who is gay. The rest of the night was weird. I was dancing with them and in a moment Matt and his best friend disappeared just like that. And they left Matt’s ex… Each time they did that, Helen looked at me like saying “these two have something weird”, but I just turned around and kept dancing.

The next day, the conversation with Matt was inevitable. He called me to explain everything about last night. And obviously I told him that I’m gay too. I told him all the story about Geremy; and we both promise not to tell anybody about our sexuality; even thought his mother already knows, he doesn’t want anybody at the campus to know, neither do I. I just hope Helen and Jacob don’t figure out anything; it would be so embarrassing.

Thought of the day September 28 Part I

Today is Monday, September 8th, 2008. It’s been a long while. I’ve been through an emotional rollercoaster. First, all the stuff about my career; but, I finally decided that I should take advantage of my scholarship. I’ll finish computers and then I’ll decide what to do. Nevertheless, many other things happened during this time.

I have this friend, her name is Andy. She had difficulties with her uncle, whom she stayed with during the week. One day, she called me so worried because she just had left her uncle’s apartment and had no place to stay during the quarter’s final week; so, I offered her to stay with me. The very next day she brought her stuff. That was a weird week; I mean, when I woke up in the morning, there was a girl lying on my bed. I could hardly believe it (Did I mention she is so hot?). And the worst part is that I know nothing will ever happen between us…

This takes me to my next issue: love. As a teenager, I became really close to girls. Painfully, I was too close to them. I became best friend with all the hottest girls; but they just didn’t think of me as a boy, I was just ‘their best friend’. I have to say that this really annoys me. When I realized they did not consider me as a possible boyfriend, I had a deep depression. I think it will be impossible for me to get a girlfriend. I’m just too cute for being a boyfriend. At least a girl’s boyfriend…

Yeah, I think I found a reason why I started with guys: probably I gave up with girls. Then, I took my chance with boys. By the way, I have to tell what happened last Friday. The day started dark, but night it was simply perfect. I had planned a small party at my apartment; I invited my hot friends (girls) and some buddies. I decided to do this because I wanted to celebrate with my school friends and wanted them to meet my new friends. However, everything went wrong.

To start, on the very last minute, most girls quitted. So, I decided to cancel everything; I sent ext messages to everyone saying “tonight’s is over”. My friend Betty (one of the only two girls that actually said yes) told that the next time I should make plans and don’t mind about girls, I guess she’s right. Nevertheless, I still wanted to hang out anyway. For my luck, I talked to another friend, Jacob, and he was desperate for hanging out too. So, we called our friend Matt (he is the car man!) and he was ok to spend the night with us; after that, we called our friend Helen, but it was a bit difficult to convince her, but in the moment I told her Matt was going with us, she absolutely accepted, I wondered why… until later…

Thought of the day July 22

Today is Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008. I don’t know what is going on with my life. I just have this mess in my mind. I can’t see the way out. On one hand, I’ve been thinking about quitting Informatics. On the other hand, Geremy is about to drive me crazy. I’ll start with my career’s dilemma, and then, I’ll write about my affair.

As you know, I have this great scholarship at one of the best private universities in the country. But, I’m not really happy with my career. These days I’ve been thinking about giving up. I can’t stand the fact that I have to sit in front of a screen all day long; I do not love computers, I think they’re really helpful but they’re not my favorite hobby all aver the world. I love politics. My dream is to become an outgoing politician, a great ambassador and diplomat. But, it’s not easy to get a job in the government; you have to meet the right people and be very patient.

Anyway, I thought that I should dare and leave informatics. But, I realized that everything happens for a reason; I don’t know the reason why I got the scholarship at that university, then, I should find it out before I can take a decision. For the moment, I’m staying in front of the screen, writing that fucking code (which does not respect orthography rules) and not sleeping at night.

Thought of the day July 1 Part II

To change the topic; on Sunday I attended a blood donation campaign as a part of our project of a graffiti about blood donation. It was my first time giving blood. I was a little scared but once I had the needle in my arm all that fear turned into excitement. With my blood, I’ll give life to other people. It’s incredible that it’s so easy and almost nobody does it. In fifteen minutes you can save someone. Blood is the only substance that can’t be fabricated in a lab. Only the human body is capable of making this ‘life elixir’. Many people think wrong about blood donation; they think that once you did it, you should continue donating because your body will make more blood than necessary; that’s a lie. Our body controls the volume of blood it needs. After you donate, in about eighteen hours blood’s volume will be normal again.

I emphasize on fact that blood donation will not make a difference in your organism, only in your soul. The feeling is simply awesome. Again, I can’t describe it. It’s like a huge happiness, sun shines, birds sing, everybody dances. When you see the bag coming bigger and red, you realize what you are doing. You feel something great growing inside of you. Also, after you made your little miracle you receive a snack: something sweet, a banana for the potassium, cookies and some juice.

Going ahead; nothing interesting happened. The next days were really boring. Saturday was my cousin’s birthday. When my aunt and I went to pick up the cake it wasn’t ready, it was not made at all. We had to walk from bakery to bakery looking for the superman cake. Of course, there were no superman cakes. At the end, we bought a plain cake and decorate it with a common sticker. All the matter about superman was because my little cousin (he is just four) was expecting a cake with a superman, not any other hero.

As I wrote, today is Tuesday; yesterday I talked with Geremy by text messages. We are to meet tomorrow (Wednesday) night. I finish my classes at ten p.m. we are hanging out that late because on Friday I must join my brother to a scholar trip, then, I have to go back home on Thursday. I don’t know what will happen on Wednesday; I just can expect the best. I hope this time I can fuck him too. I can’t wait for the moment when I have his dick into my mouth, feel his skin, kiss him all over. I don’t know if I’m falling in love, I hope I’m not… Before finish this Thought, I have to tell something else.

I checked Geremy’s hi5 profile. I found some pictures of him at the beach. In the description he wrote, he said those photos were taken by ‘the love of his life’, ‘who is not with him anymore because of life matters’. I don’t know what to think. The last time he told me he loves me, that he had to make a mistake to realize that he is deeply in love with me. What is he thinking? Does he think he can play with me? Tomorrow I will face him. I will ask about the pictures, I want and explanation. He can’t just say he’s in love with me if he’s still calling ‘the love of my life’ to his ex-boyfriend. What do you think?

I hope he tells me the truth. I can handle if he just wants me for sex, I guess…

Thought of the day July 1 Part I

Today is Tuesday, July 1st, 2008. I’m sitting next to the window; I’m at the campus’s library. I have my class at four o’clock, then, I got my laptop with me. It’s been a while since the last time I wrote, I’ve been busy. Many things happened during this period. I’ll tell few of them…

I had said I was hanging out with Geremy; well, that didn’t occurred. In the very last moment he said he was very tired and needed to rest. It really annoyed me because I even wore a shirt for him! I just said no problem, but I was really upset. I spent the whole day thinking about our date and it ended up like this. Facing the bright side, I didn’t spend my money.

Anyway, I was decided to hang out. On the messenger, I talked with Angie, she was about to finish her semester and the stress level had reached the top. We agreed to go around on Saturday. We went to this bar in Poas. There we sat with some friends of her. I wanted a Margarita but I could only get Smirnoff. On Saturday’s afternoon Nela called me. She asked me to hang out, but I had made plans with Angie the day before.

The next week was nothing but ordinary, except for Thursday. Geremy and I meet on afternoon. We went to this place where we drank something. I have to say that I realized I’m not the kind of guy who likes to be drunk, I don’t go farer than two Smirnoff. He was pushing me to decide what to do. I really hate when he asks me that; I know all he wanted to hear was ‘let’s fuck!’ but I kept him waiting a few minutes until I finished my drink.

When I finally said the magic words we went our way to the motel. The first one was full; then he drove to another. This one was really nice. The Jacuzzi was bigger and more comfortable than the last one. Before we started the real action, I asked him if he brought rubbers, luckily he did and also had with him some lubricant. At the beginning I wasn’t sure about being fucked again; but the lubricant is magic. I really enjoyed his dick inside of me. I rode him and the pleasure was indescribable.

He fucked me in many positions and I just felt awesome. I don’t wanna make of this a porno story, but I need to say how exciting it was being fucked this time; I’d do it over and over again…

Thought of the day June 12

Today is Thursday, June 12th, 2008. Oh my God! You won’t believe what happened last week; do you remember all this stuff about Geremy and his new boyfriend? Well, I’ll tell how things went by the end of week.

On Friday he finally got my message, I asked him why did he leave me just like that. He answered that he hasn’t received any of my messages or e-mails; that he was never to make me feel that way; that he wants us to be friends and that bullshit. Then, I forgot him. What could I do? I just wanted him back to me. He said he remembers the promise he made to me about taking me to get drunk (what a weird promise right!) but he also quote that his boyfriend must come with us; I said there was no problem. Finally, we agreed about hanging out some day.

But the really weird thing comes now. On Saturday, he sent me a message saying that he was single since one week ago, he has broke up with his boyfriend and he didn’t tell me yesterday (Friday) because he didn’t know how would I react after all what he said one week ago; I wasn’t sure if he was just joking me or he was serious. Once I knew he wasn’t lying, I wrote him ‘oh, I’m so sorry things were not what you expected’ but I was anything but sorry, I just had to keep the appearance. Of course even though I was desperate for being back with him I was still doing like we were just friends.

In the present; yesterday Geremy sent me a message and we talked for a while. He said that he wants to see me again; I said it would be nice, and then we decided to meet today at night. But this morning I received another message, he said that he could not meet today because he has some work not yet finished. I did not answer him. When I was naked on my bed, watching some porno and playing with my dick, I got a new message; this time he said he wants to kiss me passionately, I told him what I was doing and he said it’s so bad that he has no money because we could have gone to a motel (what happened with his work?).

For a moment I thought I could pay for the room; but then, I had that weird feeling… I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be fucked again. For sure I want to suck a dick and fuck him, but being fucked? No thanks. Then I had this ‘brilliant’ idea: I said we could go to a watch a movie ad I’ll pay for that. Of course he said yes, he’s shy because I’m gonna pay but I said now is my turn to do it. At this moment I realize that probably this is gonna be a very expensive date for me… however, I hope we could have some fun!!!

Thought of the day June 03

Today is Monday, June 3rd, 2008. This is my fourth week living in the apartment. These last weekends have been so weird. One week ago, I decided I Had to break up with Geremy because I’m not responsible enough for carrying out a relationship neither strong enough for assuming that I’m actually bisexual; so, I sent him a message saying that we needed t talk, he asked about what and I answered that it was about us but nothing bad. The whole week I was telling myself that it was the right way; until the weekend came…

On Friday something unusual happened; Geremy sent me a message saying that we need to talk, this is the real text: “D**** men (he never before called me that way), we have to talk. I meet a person two weeks ago and we have dated, I really like you but I love him…” He loves him? In just two weeks? I don’t have to say how confused I feel. You may be thinking that we were about to break anyway, but NOT THIS WAY!!! Fuck!!! I mean, I feel so damn bad! I never thought I could feel this, but I do! Damn! WTF?!... Now, I’m like the little boy who has a toy which he never uses, until another child comes and wants to play with it; in that moment the boy fights for his forgotten toy; I’m feeling the same.

I don’t know what to do; that’s my problem, I do nothing, I can’t get into anything. This situation is so weird for me, I mean; I just can’t accept the fact that Geremy does not loves me anymore. That freaks me out. In this moment I don’t even mind if being gay is a sin, I just want Geremy back for me! I want him there, answering my messages. That Friday I sent him a replay saying it was ok, because I have thought that we should go ahead with our lives because it’s not fair to keep him waiting until I decide what to do. But now, I’m so …I don’t know.

On Saturday, I sent him an e-mail because I wanted to talk personally, but he never answered! I have been checking on my e-mail the whole weekend, the whole day, but he hasn’t sent me a feedback. Today I even sent him another message, but he does not shows life signals! This is driving me crazy, I’m desperate; I went to his hi5 to see if I could get the name or a picture of his new ‘bb’; and I actually found two pictures of them together: we don’t have any picture, it’s like we’ve never been together. He actually mentioned in the picture’s description that he is with his boyfriend and that he loves him so much! I felt terrible!!!! I feel terrible!!! Once, he mentioned something about a change n his life, probably he was talking about telling everyone he is gay, because he put pictures in his hi5 which is full of gay friends, and now he has this pictures with his ‘boyfriend”. When I saw those pictures, I remembered the day when he asked me to be his boyfriend, and I said no… I mean, probably he is better off without me because I could never have accepted that I’m gay. He would never have photos with me…

What really gets me it’s that all of this is my fault. I let him go away I’m not strong enough for keeping someone by my side. I had the chance to say ‘I love you’, the chance to be his lover; but I never did it. I never do things. I’m a loser because of that. All my life has been the same: If I had only done…

I want him back!!!

Thought of the day May 26

Today is Monday, May 26th. Guess what? I’m living in my apartment; and I haven’t got drunk! (I actually don’t know if that’s good at all). I can feel free of wearing boxers in my room and don’t expect someone knocking on the door. Well, to be honest, this is not that awesome. I mean, I’m not at home. I have some more liberty but, what I’m really worried about is money, it won’t probably be enough… that freaks me out.

I don’t’ know what to write… hey, I have to tell something. I already told Geremy that I need to talk with him. This is because I decided that I can’t continue with that show. I don’t feel in love with him, I just wanted some sex (I didn’t even like it). I just think of him when I have nothing else to think about, when I’m alone or when it’s been a while since the last time that I played with my dick. Once my dick has played, all those ‘feelings’ are gone away; then, I’m gonna tell him what I feel (or what I don’t?) and ask him if he is really in love with me or he just wants some hard sex. If he just wants sex, it would turn thing a little easier; if he really loves me, I could have some troubles saying him that we should stop dating.

Last week we decided to meet on Sunday, but he wasn’t sure if he could do it, that morning he sent me a message saying that he couldn’t meet me. We haven’t talked since that. Today I sent him a message, but I didn’t got an answer. I don’t know if he is mad at me because of the talking thing. Anyway, I need to talk with him about that; because it’s not fair that every time he tries to date me I say no; I owe him an explanation…

I guess I just spent the whole month thinking what should I do with the gay stuff; but I still have no answer… My mind is a mess. Sometimes I feel like I wanna scream out that I like boys and girls as well; but it scares me so mucho, especially now that I’m living with other two men. And, on the other hand, my religious beliefs reject homosexual feelings, not to say relationships. For tonight, I’ll try to sleep…

Thought of the day April 8

Today is Tuesday, April 08th. I haven’t written in a month, I guess it’s because this has been a really tired one. Anyway, I finally bought my cell phone. Last Thursday was Danielle’s birthday, she celebrated with her friends on Saturday at Via Lindora, I was so excited about this party, but I had no place where to stay or a car to come back home, so I didn’t attend. Instead, I hung out with my chicks. We ate at Tarire, and after that, we went to Chicho’s.

Once there, I drank a Rock Ice lemon and ate fries. I also had my tequilas, well, at least one. I was about to drink more, because I felt so bad about not going with Danielle; but my friends didn’t let me do it. Probably they were right, because I had to come back by bus. When I turned my head around and felt everything was moving, I guessed I was not ok; on that moment I realized my parents are right about me, I’ll explain what I mean.

Because of my class schedule, I ought to stay at San Jose. My parents have been telling me that I should take care of myself, because if I’ll live alone I can do things that I’m not used to. They were talking about porno, but they don’t know that’s something I already do. I’m really concerned about alcohol. Near the campus, there is “El Pueblo”, which is a kind of mall, with stores and discos. I’m worried that I could start going to this places and drink.

The most of you should think that is not a huge problem, that everybody does it. But, I’m not like everybody. I don’t know when to stop. All my life, I’ve done what everyone else wants me to do, or what they ‘expect’ me to. So, I don’t know how to control my life, all this liberty could bring me down. I don’t wanna lose my scholarship. I think I start to like my career. But now I see the probability of destroying everything I’ve reached, even though is not want I really want, but it’s what I have…

This was a very conflictive month for me. My mind is a total mess. This last week I tried to center just on school, but soon or later I’ll have to face all my problems. I just hope I’m strong enough to resist all this stuff.

Thought of the day Feb 29

Today is Friday, February 29, 2008. Yesterday was Thursday; remember what I said about Thursday? Well I’ll tell how things went on Thursday.

I finally meet Geremy. We had pizza for lunch, then, we went to Multiplaza del Este to watch a movie but all of them were after 2:00 and it was just 1:00. That’s why we decided to go somewhere else. He took me to a place near Escazú; once there, we kissed and touched each other. Of course I did my thing; but he was driving because if we parked someone could get there. Finally, we went into a motel…

Once there, we started playing on the bed. We took our clothes off very slowly. We kissed such lunatics! He went down kissing every inch of my body, I did the same on him. But things turned hotter…

He asked me if I was ready for being fucked, I told him: “Yes, I guess I am…” on that moment I was totally frightened, I had no idea about what was coming. He did it very gently, what the pain was too much for me. I asked him to take it out. Instead, I tried to fuck him. I have to say that I actually enjoyed fucking him, but then he tried again. It isn’t as funny as in porno! It’s actually very painful, I felt nothing but pain: no excitement, no fun. Well, I couldn’t have made him paid for the lunch and the motel without giving him some of me. Now, I realize I’d better had paid for the pizza…

But, I haven’t told the worst part of all of this (Maybe the only one). I know I should have never done it, but what can I do now? Here I go: We didn’t use rubbers. That’s it, as written. Last night I didn’t have dinner because I offered it to God (How can I get God into this?) hoping He gets me out of risk, I’m so scared of any disease. My head is a mess! I can’t think of any other idea. I know VIH is detected after six months of contracted. I don’t know what to do; I can’t even talk to anybody because I neither can tell I’m gay.

I’m just praying. It’s the only thing I can do, and also the most powerful. Oh my God. Please, help me! I know I’ve been such bad sons, but, please, help me! I will also offer my favorite TV program: Charmed. Please my Lord, help me! Take me out of all this!

Second Thought February 22nd

Today is Friday, February 22nd. I’m trying to finish the homework I didn’t present last Monday. Things are getting better, I mean, today I chatted with Geremy. We decided to meet on Thursday, He invited me to join him to the beach, I really want to go to the beach but, how would I explain that to my parents? The most of time I feel like I’m still a young boy who has to ask his parents for everything. It really annoys me when they start the interrogatory just because I’m some minutes late. Geremy might think I’m so immature, maybe he’s right. On the other hand, how would I go to the beach with someone who I don’t really know? That’s senseless.

Nevertheless, tomorrow night I’ll hang out with Kryss. I just hope I don’t get drunk, that would cause me a lot of troubles. Anyway, I’ll take those tequilas. Oh, if you wonder about the trip to Melisa’s, my parents cancelled it because there is no money. That was my opportunity to suntan, I’m losing the color.

Talking about money, I have to think how I will spend what I have. I’ll buy a cell-phone, a really cheap and “technoless” one. It will cost twenty-six thousand colones. To finish today’s Thought of the day, I keep waiting for Thursday (I’ll have sex that day). Finally I’ll have those tequilas!

My first 'Thought of the day' Feb 19

I’m feeling good. I actually don’t know how I really feel, all I know it’s that I’m so confused. On last Thursday, it was Valentine’s by the way; all I wanted was to meet Geremy. For luck, he didn’t receive the message I sent to him. If he had received the mail, I don't know what would had happenned. I just want to feel his skin, to be free for touching and kissing without any fear of people coming.

Sometimes I get the sensation life is senseless, I mean, I have an excellent scholarship, I study a great career but I’m completely a loser. I have no girlfriend not even boyfriend because I’m afraid of getting out of the closet. This is the sixth week at University and I don’t have any friends.

I think I’m just a normal guy who wants to experiment new sensations. Maybe next Thursday I’ll call Geremy again and meet him so that we can have some fun. On Friday, I’ll go out with my girls and drink those tequilas. By the weekend, I will join my parents and take the sun at Melissa’s.

Mi primera entrada

Esta es mi historia (wow, siempre quise decir eso). Aclaro que los hechos aquí relatados son verídicos; no obstante, datos como nombres, fechas y lugares han sido modificados para proteger mi identidad y la de las personas involucradas. Un día acepté que mi vida no es lo que parece; quienes me conocen no saben nada de mí en realidad, les he mostrado lo que querían. Así se resume mi historia, siempre soy lo que esperan que sea, lo que quieren que sea.

Hace algún tiempo, sentí la necesidad de ser yo mismo; sin embargo, era demasiado tarde: todos sabían bien lo que pueden esperar de mí y no aceptaban un cambio. Debido a esto, decidí escribir para sacar todo aquello que me incomodaba. Llegué al punto en que se me hizo una costumbre escribir acerca de mi diario vivir. Adempero, no tengo tiempo (ni creatividad) para escribir a diario; por lo cual coleccioné una serie de "Thought of the day" o "Pensamiento del día". Originalmente escribí en inglés (debía practicar mi gramática); pero creo que publicaré las traducciones al español, a lo mejor haga dos entradas diferentes: en español y en inglés; así no excluiré a los anglohablantes de mis vivencias.

Para terminar (o más bien empezar), en mi blog notarán personajes que se repiten con cierta frecuencia (les recuerdo que sus nombres, al igual que las fechas, fueron modificados). Entre ellos está 'Geremy', quien fue mi casi-novio. Varios 'pensamientos' fueron inspirados por él y nuestros encuentros. Algunsa veces mi vocabulario no es el adecuado para una publicación, pues en un principio no tenía planeado que nadie más viera mis reflexiones; por favor, si eres menor de edad deja el sitio, no quiero entorpecer el desarrollo mental de nadie con mi léxico improcedente.

Así están las cosas (¡qué palabra tan pobre!). Ahora sólo resta publicar las anécdotas de mis tiempos como adolescente... ¡qué tiempos aquellos!