Today is Monday, June 3rd, 2008. This is my fourth week living in the apartment. These last weekends have been so weird. One week ago, I decided I Had to break up with Geremy because I’m not responsible enough for carrying out a relationship neither strong enough for assuming that I’m actually bisexual; so, I sent him a message saying that we needed t talk, he asked about what and I answered that it was about us but nothing bad. The whole week I was telling myself that it was the right way; until the weekend came…
On Friday something unusual happened; Geremy sent me a message saying that we need to talk, this is the real text: “D**** men (he never before called me that way), we have to talk. I meet a person two weeks ago and we have dated, I really like you but I love him…” He loves him? In just two weeks? I don’t have to say how confused I feel. You may be thinking that we were about to break anyway, but NOT THIS WAY!!! Fuck!!! I mean, I feel so damn bad! I never thought I could feel this, but I do! Damn! WTF?!... Now, I’m like the little boy who has a toy which he never uses, until another child comes and wants to play with it; in that moment the boy fights for his forgotten toy; I’m feeling the same.
I don’t know what to do; that’s my problem, I do nothing, I can’t get into anything. This situation is so weird for me, I mean; I just can’t accept the fact that Geremy does not loves me anymore. That freaks me out. In this moment I don’t even mind if being gay is a sin, I just want Geremy back for me! I want him there, answering my messages. That Friday I sent him a replay saying it was ok, because I have thought that we should go ahead with our lives because it’s not fair to keep him waiting until I decide what to do. But now, I’m so …I don’t know.
On Saturday, I sent him an e-mail because I wanted to talk personally, but he never answered! I have been checking on my e-mail the whole weekend, the whole day, but he hasn’t sent me a feedback. Today I even sent him another message, but he does not shows life signals! This is driving me crazy, I’m desperate; I went to his hi5 to see if I could get the name or a picture of his new ‘bb’; and I actually found two pictures of them together: we don’t have any picture, it’s like we’ve never been together. He actually mentioned in the picture’s description that he is with his boyfriend and that he loves him so much! I felt terrible!!!! I feel terrible!!! Once, he mentioned something about a change n his life, probably he was talking about telling everyone he is gay, because he put pictures in his hi5 which is full of gay friends, and now he has this pictures with his ‘boyfriend”. When I saw those pictures, I remembered the day when he asked me to be his boyfriend, and I said no… I mean, probably he is better off without me because I could never have accepted that I’m gay. He would never have photos with me…
What really gets me it’s that all of this is my fault. I let him go away I’m not strong enough for keeping someone by my side. I had the chance to say ‘I love you’, the chance to be his lover; but I never did it. I never do things. I’m a loser because of that. All my life has been the same: If I had only done…
I want him back!!!
On Friday something unusual happened; Geremy sent me a message saying that we need to talk, this is the real text: “D**** men (he never before called me that way), we have to talk. I meet a person two weeks ago and we have dated, I really like you but I love him…” He loves him? In just two weeks? I don’t have to say how confused I feel. You may be thinking that we were about to break anyway, but NOT THIS WAY!!! Fuck!!! I mean, I feel so damn bad! I never thought I could feel this, but I do! Damn! WTF?!... Now, I’m like the little boy who has a toy which he never uses, until another child comes and wants to play with it; in that moment the boy fights for his forgotten toy; I’m feeling the same.
I don’t know what to do; that’s my problem, I do nothing, I can’t get into anything. This situation is so weird for me, I mean; I just can’t accept the fact that Geremy does not loves me anymore. That freaks me out. In this moment I don’t even mind if being gay is a sin, I just want Geremy back for me! I want him there, answering my messages. That Friday I sent him a replay saying it was ok, because I have thought that we should go ahead with our lives because it’s not fair to keep him waiting until I decide what to do. But now, I’m so …I don’t know.
On Saturday, I sent him an e-mail because I wanted to talk personally, but he never answered! I have been checking on my e-mail the whole weekend, the whole day, but he hasn’t sent me a feedback. Today I even sent him another message, but he does not shows life signals! This is driving me crazy, I’m desperate; I went to his hi5 to see if I could get the name or a picture of his new ‘bb’; and I actually found two pictures of them together: we don’t have any picture, it’s like we’ve never been together. He actually mentioned in the picture’s description that he is with his boyfriend and that he loves him so much! I felt terrible!!!! I feel terrible!!! Once, he mentioned something about a change n his life, probably he was talking about telling everyone he is gay, because he put pictures in his hi5 which is full of gay friends, and now he has this pictures with his ‘boyfriend”. When I saw those pictures, I remembered the day when he asked me to be his boyfriend, and I said no… I mean, probably he is better off without me because I could never have accepted that I’m gay. He would never have photos with me…
What really gets me it’s that all of this is my fault. I let him go away I’m not strong enough for keeping someone by my side. I had the chance to say ‘I love you’, the chance to be his lover; but I never did it. I never do things. I’m a loser because of that. All my life has been the same: If I had only done…
I want him back!!!
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